Live your love, live your life

(NARRATING A WOMAN IH HER GOLDEN JUBILEE WAS INDEED A DIFFICULT TASK SINCE IMAGINING THAT DEGREE OF SUSCEPTIBILITY TO EMOTIONS THAT SHE HAD HAD
DURING HER TEENHOOD AND TRYING TO PORTRAY IT IN A PIECE OF PAPER WAS ENTIRELY NEW TO ME, YET, THE FEELING I GAVE THE WOMAN POSSESSION TO IN HER TEENS,
GOT ME ARRESTED.)
                     I INDURATIZED MY HEART......

Neither was the spring I fell for someone, nor was the day since I started loving  that person, I am aware of, yet that very feeling that grew inside me is still so vibrant and alive and somewhere,
deep inside, it makes me feel acquainted to the fact that once I fell in love too. Neither was it planned, nor was it forseen. It came like a stroke of breeze in my life- cool, yet so warm.
Perhaps, it was nothing, but a tender throb but then it impinged my heart so deep that it made me start loving the transition.

Until the time, I started encoding my emotions in this piece of paper, its exactly 30 years, 5 months and 17 days since we've lost each other's hold.( U know what i mean.) 3 years prior to that,
I met him in my college function. Moreover,by this time, you must have merely calculated my age then. I was seventeen. Well, a sensitive and refinedly voluptuous season in every girls' lives if
the sentence is to be given emphasis to. Seventeen- the age when you hardly have control over your feelings. More precisely, its no less than an hour of travail especially when you get trapped
amidst that frantic and crazy dilemma of either holding in or letting it flood out to the world, against which you always develop this sarcastic perceptions at the very age. You don't need a
concrete reason to float high on cloud nine but also the tiniest of the tiny issues are not proved inadequate, the next second, to make you feel as small as a crumbled glass or a crumpled piece of
paper. Now, employ yourself to reckon the alteration of feelings that a SEVENTEEN has- totally swerving and capricious. You will never really be aware of the digression that the next turning
might bring because as an experienced old lady now, I have realized that being seventeen is all about not being able to enshrine any of your conceptions within stability and thus getting trapped
in the trellis of ephemeral realism. Most probably, this is why no teen can go the whole hog in any work.

That first encounter with him is still so fresh in my head. Those sparkling brown eyes that caught mine, that tiny speckle on the left cheek of his whitish complexioned face, the curls on his
head, and a mark of cut on his chin. Oh! I noticed every single details of that face. To my surprise, after all this time, how come it still possesses an original vigor in my memory? How come it
didn't fade away along with my age? In a hair's breadth, a whiff of air rushed my lungs and I found my heart was fluttering. Well, now you will probably say I fell in love at first sight. However,
I didn't know instantly.Maybe, it was just an infatuation- just inchoated, yet to be developed. The image was just not going off my head, until I discovered he was my classmate, my
goodness, my desk-mate. Gradually, all those uneasy yet lovely, strange yet desirable emotions invaded me all at once. Time passed by. We became friends and then lovers. I fell in love with him
more and more everyday and so did he with me. Life was beautiful. We were beautiful and we were appreciating the bestowal of god's graces upon us and enjoying every dainty blithe spirit of
youth.

Stupid of me, I used to set down in a diary about what I felt of him, of us. Nevertheless, I never had the valor to express in-person. Once, I even wrote this poem during which all that was
imbibed in my head was his image and the moments we shared. Plato said it right- " Every man is poet when he is in love." (Ha! Ha!)


YOUR LOVE GETS SONANT IN THE CAVITY OF MY HEART
ME FINDS ME SMILING WITH NO REASONS ALIVE
YOUR EMBRACE SO TIGHT, YET SO REFINED
LIFTS ME HIGH IN SKY, N' I FLOAT N' I SURVIVE

MY CHEEKS SUFFUSE WITH BLUSHES
WHEN YOU PULL ME BY MY WAIST
MY HEART FLUTTERS WITH RUSHES
WHEN YOU CARESS ME THE BEST

YOUR TITTER SO CUTE ON MY JARGON
AND YOUR PUNCHLINES- A JOKE
YET, YOUR LOVE SET ME TAKEN
AND YOUR PAMPERS GET ME SOAK

TIME WHEN YOU ANNOY ME
LIKE A BUGBEAR SO DULL
AND MY CLAMOR HURTS YOUR EAR
YET YOUR INNOCENCE MAKES ME FALL

THAT QUAKE ON YOUR GUITAR
OH! HOW IT IMPELS MY EAR
LIKE AM LIVING THAT MOMENT
MY REMEMBERED,
YOUR LOVE-DRURY SO DEAR
DEAR LOVEE,
LOVE LIKE YOURS IS RARE...

That person who gave me the best three years of my life, never knew that somewhere, someone was writing for him, someone was inscribing all her emotions in legible characters and thence
remained just so forever because thenadays, we did not have technologies like my children have these days, that could have helped me. To me, expressing in-person was an insuperable
impossibility.That is the reason why, everything I wanted him to know just got lost into my lungs or some only dwelt in the columns of my diary. But still, he knew that I loved him and I knew
he loved me back. This was all that mattered and we needed nothing to be happier and more content until an outburst of tumultuous storm knocked our lives. The storm's name was castism
which chastised us for our uncommitted sins and thrashed us apart. They said that just because I was CHHETRI and he belonged to a BAISYA background, us, being together was a crime and
that we were criminals in the eyes of society and GOD. Oh! these so-called theist are ridiculous.  What the progenitors had already set, are always to be pursued without any complaints and
impediments regardless of the fact whether they are just or prejudiced. No wonders, as far as in us lies, we did the same. We became  the victim of jeopardy. We knelt down in front of our
erroneous dogmas. We lost.

On this day, I feel glad after looking at the reformations that the society has made- reformations of hypocrisy, reformations of doctrines, reformations of thoughts. Now, when I peek back
into the graffiti of pain inscribed in my heart, I find it so small, so trifling, that I willfully refuse to take notice of it because here is this comfort and relief that my descendants will never
have to suffer what I confronted. All those feudal principles have lasped and the generation today, has genuine right to choose love and stand for it. Although I could not cherish my love for
life, my children will(rightfully). All these years, I have always hoped for his best, wished for his best. And now I feel like I would do anything just to take a single glance at his face. Just to see
his wrinkled cheeks, I would travel thousand miles. He must have lost those beautiful curls by now. Those sparkling brown eyes that I have always loved, must glisten in a thin layer of tears
scattered all over his sclera. I would give anything just to see him in his golden jubilee. I don't know whether I will ever see him again, but I am willing to spend the remaining fraction of my life
with the hope. So, hey you youths out there, you are lucky that the society doesn't set restrictions in your love now. You have an open gateway towards hap and happiness. Thus, take it as a
message from an old lady- "LIVE YOUR LOVE, LIVE YOUR LIFE". Live every day like its a boon to you from god and that you will never have its jamboree tomorrow nor day after it. There is no
 hard nut to crack because there is no thing that can pulverize your zest, no thing that can subdue your zeal and to the top, there is barely a thing that can enfeeble your love as long as you
vow to protect it.

                                                                                                               





                                                                                 



















1

Our social abode

                 OUR SOCIAL ABODE

MY mom once said to me- I have survived the society, kept up with people who wanted me this way, and followed every laws they wanted me to abide by. You are my child and you are bound to
follow the trend.
I was listening to her like a dunce, totally being unable to cogitate what she was talking about or probably that 'just been a teen' didn't want to pay any obedient heed to what was being
betokened at the very moment. I left the room with domain of puzzles though, trying to superficially frame all my doings throughout the day.

A week later, a relative showed up with this noxious look- a missile weapon of arrow, if I am asked to define, that seemed to have been projected, intending to deeply thrust into my esteem.
She sure did come up with ample preparations to leave me self-abased in front of my mom, which I realized after she introduced her first affront against me. Well, unless the offence was
exaggerated, all of her purposed contempts were territorialized within her sight of me and my best friend, who is a boy, passing by the pavement, holding each other's hands. And, what
happened afterwards or what was supposed to happen after her lofty scorns against me, need not be explained if you live in a NEPALI SOCIETY..

Its not a feigned story or any of such apologue through which I intend to excite wonder on you. Its just a mere reality of our social abode. We dwell in the society where a girl is seen with
scornful eyes of contempts if she is caught up walking, holding hand of some guy next to her. Nevertheless, the blockheads with those scornful eyes don't care to think who that guy might be,
 not even once and no wonder, as a consequence, whats questioned is her character as a daughter. Poor her, she frequently encounters those sarcastic reproaches and the most of contemptuous
 suspicion with the least of belief upon her. Just the other day of her commendation for being academically excellent, she is ousted. Why? Because, she seems to cross the preset boundary of our
 so-called ethical society which is actually judged by someone who has no idea of the mere truth, yet pretends to be a know-everything while the reality turns out to be something out of the blue.
 And here comes the situation where i think of using 'LITTLE KNOWLEDGE IS DANGEROUS' onto my statements over their unreasonably keen intelligence  and responding their comments with
objections. However, the thought remains only inside my brain because my traditional norms impede me in the name of 'respect to elders' despite the fact, whether they are just or hold
innumerable erroneous dogmas.

Neither recently nor several days back, this thought or more precisely, this realization stroke my mind that having been born in a Nepali society, especially, we girls can never explain our genuine
friendship with some boy, to the original survivors of this abode because their preset contrivances always draw finishing strokes before we could actually explain the kind of relations we
uphold - of friendship. Contrastingly, they misinterpret it with the name of love-affairs. I mean, is it necessarily important that a girl and a boy needs to be IN LOVE just to love each other
when the love they share could just be of friendship? Do people need to tag it with some silly and witty criticism? Seriously, I don't understand why people act smarter than google when they
are actually sluggishly insensible..

No matter how much we vaunt about the 21st century we have jumped in, leaping far from the stone age, at many points, we are still that creature who draws different columns for a boy and
a girl. We continue to be an illustration of a thick-head who still believes in the contradiction of BEING A BOY and BEING A GIRL.To the top, they, who seem to rule the society, rename the
rules that are supposed to be imposed on HUMANS as a whole, as that need to be pursued distinctly by a boy and a girl. For an instance, RIGHT TO OPINION is a fundamental human right.
Exercising so, if a boy speaks or argues on a particular topic he is discontent of, then his reasoning is considered to apprehension. To the contrary, if a girl does that very thing, starting at
her doorsteps, then she is bound to hold in her opinions without letting it outflow to the world outside because it questions her 'being a girl' identity or even her character. That's because
she is always known for her honey-mouthed character and that she should maintain for the whole of her life just to please the world outside.

In some nook of the world, there are countries, where begetting before getting married is not an issue and here's Nepal, where every eyes seem to spy over any girl-boy relationship with
an abundance of scrutiny. On any account, I am not trying to say that the perceptions that the westerns hold are reasonable and ours are not.Well, i would be offending my etiquette and
principles, if I said that the values being held by our society are unjust. All that I intend to inculcate in every heads of ours is that we need to keep abreast of the time and the generation
and draw a line to our skepticism. Probably, some of you say that thoughts have changed these days, people think widely and sketch everything to reasoning, but, is it really on accordance to
reality. Think with broader senses and I assure, you will realize that all that you think what the fact is, is just a phantasm because those who we think have complete trust on us, can have
their trust tremble in a second just because of some unpolished back-biting against us that they hear. Hence, at the ultima, we, adolescents are always pleading and begging for our elders'
trust  upon us.

Alike the ring that encompasses a finger, overanxious concern and unveracious reasoning have encompassed the range of vision of the people of our society and the prey is none, but us.
Is it really that hard for our parents to see us(girls) hanging out with a person who we call our intimate friend; just friend? Is it because they are over-anxious about us or is it because
they fear of the outsiders speaking irrationally about us? This question always bring me to asking myself ' Where does the trust they always brag about go then?' 'Does that set the
limitation here?' Nevertheless, with the most hopeful note, we will expect to be understood and believed for the truth we hold always and forever. In a nutshell, may the bond that the elder
and the younger residents of our social abode, never strain apart because of fragility that these kind of miscomputations might bring. The reckoning is never bad but the way is false.
Henceforth, its high time, we need to change for better in a comprehensive way so that all of us can sojourn in an adorned abode....

                           

Roving by the edge

ROVING BY THE EDGE

I WALK ON THE SAND, EVERY GRAIN OF IT
THE TIDE APPROACHES AS I HOVER
BESEEMS IT DRAWS A MESSAGE TO ME
MESSAGE FROM THE WOODS, UNKNOWN
OR PERHAPS IT FLED AWAY FROM TIMBERS
IS IT A NOTE FROM A DISTANT HORIZON,
FORLORN'S ME, THRUMMED IN PERPLEXITY
STILL I STAY PUT ON MY RECKONS
WHILE THE EBB OF TIDE RETURNS

I SQUAT ON THE BEACH LONELY
UPON THE HAMS OF MY BODY NIMBLE
THE HAMMER OF MY PAST HITS ME
AND THE MEMOIRS OF MY YESTERYEARS
I ESCAPED FROM ITS ARREST HURTFUL
HURDLED AWAY FROM THE INCLOSURE
BUT, THE TIDES HERE UNDULATE EVERY SUCH
AND WEARS ME OUT WITH HEFTY SHOULDER...

Childhood

We all do have those reminiscences of our childhood thinking of which gives us cheerful buzz...

CHILDHOOD 

MEMORABILIA,WHEN I WAS A CHILD
ENTIRE DOMESTICATION, YET SO WILD
WHEN MOM'S CUDDLE WAS THE ONLY LOVE ON EARTH
WHEN TROUBLE WAS A WHAT? ONLY DAYS OF MIRTH

WHEN THE ONLY PAIN WAS A BLEEDING KNEE
WHEN GAIN WAS A CANDY FOR FREE
WHEN HEIGHT WAS ONLY DAD'S SHOULDER
WHEN STRUGGLE WAS TO WALK,BEING A TODDLER

WHEN RIDE WAS A COSY PRAM
RECKLESS,WHERE YOU'LL BE TAKEN
WHEN FUN WAS TO SHOUT WITH SENSELESS ENTHUSE
CAREFREE ABOUT ANYONE'S PERCEPTION

WHEN FREEDOM WAS TO GET WINGED AND FLY
ALIKE THE BIRDS THAT FLEW SO HIGH
WHEN ASPIRATION WAS TO SWIM DEEP DOWN BLUE
ALIKE THE FISHES THAT MADE IT THROUGH

WHEN ACQUISITION WAS A WAVY FROCK
AND HEAD HOLDING A COMPLEMENTARY BONNET
WHEN POSSESSION WAS THE DEAREST FRIENDSHIP
WITH TOMMY,WHO YOU CALL UR PET

WHEN STUPID WORDS SEEMED A BON MOT
WHO COULD EVER STOP YOU CHATTER
WARNINGS ON STACK FROM TEACHERS
WHY WOULD YOU CARE?YET NO MATTER

WHEN AWE WAS A TEACHER'S FROWN
SOMETIMES,MADE YOU START A BLEAT
HIS FOREHEAD ON CREASE OH MY GOD
SINCE HE GETS UR ASSIGNMENTS INCOMPLETE

WHEN BREAK WAS EVERY SATURDAY
BECAUSE ITS AWAITED,THE ONLY WEEKEND
NOT FOR PARTYING LATE,BUT NO SCHOOL
THE ONLY DAY TO BREAK THE TREND

WHEN MELODY WAS IN THE RHYMES
YOU NEVER NEEDED A VOICE SO SWEET
WHEN MUSIC WAS TO BLABBER WITH MATES
THE SCHOOL PRAYER,U NEVER COULD QUIT

WHEN LIVING WAS GETTING LOVED
GETTING PAMPERED AS IT SHOULD
FORGETTING DOESN'T SEEM POSSIBLE 
CAUSE FLAVORED SWEET WAS OUR CHILDHOOD..